Welcome to another rendition of ‘Positively Gruden,’ our weekly column chronicling the top praise, plaudits, and pontifications of America’s favorite fawning former coach. For three and half quarters, last night’s game was a veritable snoozefest of incompetent offense, shaken only by brief interludes of Russell Wilson’s trademark fifteen second scrambles leading to a big play. But when Lions scored a defensive touchdown off a Wilson fumble and promptly drove down on the next possession on the brink of scoring a game-winning touchdown, the game suddenly got interesting. Of course, Lions gonna Lions, and the usually sure-handed Calvin Johnson lost a fumble at the half yard line that resulted in a touchdown after a (clearly illegal) bat out of the end zone by K.J. Wright.
This (predictably) tragic turn of events may have been the story of the night, if it weren’t for this tweet:
Is Gruden annoying anybody else?!
— Samuel L. Jackson (@SamuelLJackson) October 6, 2015
Samuel, how could you? I know you’re Hollywood’s unquestioned “cool guy,” but it is not OK to knock down a man who paints our TV screen each Monday nights in bright word colors with the passion of William Wallace. What if I called your old partner-in-crime (literally), John Travolta, annoying? How would that feel? Or how about those motherhumping snakes on that Donald Trumping plane you held so dear? Not so nice when the shoe’s on the other foot, is it? So why don’t you just “Rise Up” and take your commentary elsewhere.
But I digress, let’s get to the Grudens. As always, top Grudenisms are graded on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.
“I love these Seahawk linebackers. [K.j.] Wright and [Bobby] Wagner, you’ll be hard pressed to find two better.”
“You wanna be a fullback in the NFL? Be careful what you ask for. Number 50 taking on this lead back in the hole. REJECTS the fullback and makes the tackle? That’s a big time play by the ex-OU sooner. Wow!”
“Don’t take your eyes off Ziggy Ansah, number 94 at the bottom of your screen. He’s got big time ability.”
On Matt Stafford, “you can feel it coming, this is a GUNSLINGER.” (Usually firing blanks, but still…)
“I tell ya’ what, man….I love Seattle.”
“Russell Wilson’s the Terminator. I don’t know if he ever gets tired, Mike.” (Because he’s a robot built by Jesus, duh.)
To Tirico on the Fail Mary, “I bet people back home don’t know that’s your ringtone. That’s your greatest call ever.”
“Tom Cable, the offensive line coach, one of the best in football at developing players.” (And punching other coaches.)
“You run a zone read against Ziggy Ansah, he will PUNISH you.”
“I love the way this kid is playing. Ihedigbo. He’s a grown man.” (So he’s Tom Hanks in Big?)
“That’s angry Doug Baldwin. Highly under-rated slot receiver. Tough, reliable….just like Russell Wilson, he was just too short on draft day. And he has a chip on his shoulder the size of Mount Rainer.
After a trademark Russell Wilson scramble, “Jiminy Christmas, what a play by Wilson.”
“They got a lot of stars in Seattle, but the shiniest star I see is Russell Wilson.”f