Positively Gruden 2014: 49ers vs. Rams

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Welcome to another rendition of “Positively Gruden,” where we chronicle the top cheers, compliments, and commendations from America’s favorite fawning former coach.  This week’s game had the makings of a major upset until Colin Kaepernick hit Brandon Lloyd for an 80-yard touchdown at the end of the first half, a coverage fail of epic proportions.  After that, Austin Davis morphed from the next Drew Brees or Brett Favre into, well, a fourth-string quarterback who was lucky to be in the league.  The Gruden love similarly shifted abruptly to the 49ers, as the Rams were barely able to field a competitive football team.

As always, top Grudenisms are graded on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.

On Austin Davis, “the all-time Cinderella story.” (Carl Spackler disagrees.)

On Aaron Donald,this is a POWERFUL man….he acts like a five-year veteran, eats, sleeps, and drinks football.”

This man is…one tough human being. You play against Anquan Boldin…you’re gonna get hit as well.”

This Rodney McLeod. Got shot out of a CANNON.”

After a 49ers field goal, “Do you believe I cut him, Mike? I cut Phil Dawson. I need to have my head examined.”

On Austin Davis, “reminds me of a young Drew Brees, Mike.”

More Davis Hall-of-Fame QBs, “this guy must be hanging around Brett Favre down there.”

What a steal Perrish Cox has been. He leads the league in PBUs. That’s passes broken up, Mike.”

On Colin Kaepernick, “How about this core strength?”

On the 49ers locker room, “you can say whatever you want about that toxic stuff. I’ll tell you what this it, that’s impressive stuff.”

There’s gonna be nothing toxic in your locker room if you have Frank Gore, Anquan Boldin, Justin Smith, and Patrick Willis.”

I wonder if the 49ers get to pick twice in every round. They have so many backs.”

I tell ya’. That’s why they call veterans “veterans” and rookies “rookies.”

Watch Laurinitas and Hyde in an old-fashioned hamburger drill….I don’t know why we called it hamburger.”

You know what I like about this Brian Schottenheimer. He’s using every one of his players.” (The mark of a great coach)

Steve Hirdt, he taught me a word called a SYNONYM.”

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The Wise Guy

Dave Emanuelson, also known as "The Wise Guy," is our media columnist with a specialty in all things Jon Gruden. Dave bears no resemblance to the Three Stooges or a mobster, but a Wise Guy he is all the same. He boasts an impressive pedigree as a big-time D.C. lawyer, economics know-it-all, former Division 1 athlete (golf, but still...), and an 82% percent success rate of predicting whether instant replays will be overturned.

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