The League, Episode 8: Fear Boner
Welcome to another recap of the best lines from The League, a hilarious Thursday night comedy on FX that ostensibly centers around a group of friends’ fantasy football league. Last night’s episode was an outlier in that its plot was actually driven by a real fantasy issue–the woes of being a fantasy commissioner and having to resolve petty disputes amongst friends. The commissioner, Kevin, faced two common issues: (a) whether a commissioner should make last minute substitutions for a participant who can’t get to a computer; and (b) dealing with tiebreakers, and, well, dealt with them poorly. The ensuing disputes escalated to the point of no return, the Fear Boner.
Also, Taco learned the joys of Western medicine. Without further ado . . .
Ruxon, incensed on the video message board that Kevin wouldn’t use his commissioner powers to make a line up change for him while he was stuck in traffic, “you are a bureaucrat, like the fat lady at the DMV, like the piece of shit at McDonald’s who won’t give me a McGriddle at 10:01. My asshole can be a better commissioner than you, and I’m ready to prove it.” (Unmentionable sight ensues)
Pete, upset that Kevin took down Ruxon’s video message, “the message boards are founded on the great principle of personal attacks.”
Taco, after falling out of a tree, “I made a huge discovery today, guys. Like most people I’ve been into traditional Eastern medicine. I always thought that Western medicine was a bit of a joke. But….when I got to the emergency room, I was blown away by how professional it was. Not a whiff of incense, everything was clean, no weird Chinese guy trying to pinch your nipples. I mean guys, this experience has completely opened my eyes to the ancient wisdom of the West.”
Taco, to Andre, “you’re one of these healers, right?” Andre, “I’m a doctor.” Taco, “Is that why you plucked your mane? I thought it was impossible to heal the human body without patchouli oil, but I stand corrected.”
Pete, explaining why Kevin’s commissioner powers didn’t allow him to change back Ruxon’s new team name, The Kevin’s Microdongs, “our brilliant forefathers in the ancient fantasy football league put in a system of checks and balances.”
Ruxon, pleased, “Yes, The Kevin’s Microdongs are the best at coming from behind.”
Kevin, seeking revenge, “I’m going to be the Ruxon looks like a middle aged lesbian.” Andre, “that’s true.”
Taco, continuing to learn the ways of Western medicine, “whoa whoa whoa, washing your hands is healthy? I just did it because it felt good. I have so much to learn.”
Ruxon, skeptical of the motives of Pete’s new friend (who he met in the park) in giving Pete his extra Bears tickets, “you are gonna get tickets from a stranger and all you have to do is a favor in return?” Andre, “is he gonna put the tickets through a little hole in the bathroom stall?” Ruxon, “did he sing the song Faith?” Kevin, “did he tap your foot underneath the stall?” Ruxon, “favors are gay and parks are super gay. Parks are like the club med for homosexuals. But instead of Jamacains, it’s hobos.” Taco, “I know some Jamaicans, they’re not gay.”
Kevin, defending his ruling to leave Ruxon and Andre’s game a tie, “a tie is like kissing your sister, which I think everyone at this table has done, Andre.” (everyone but Ruxon raises hand) Ruxon, “I haven’t done it because I just looked at pornographic material of her.”
Ruxon, “ties are not acceptable in fantasy football. Fantasy football is about proving you are better than your friends. It’s not about proving you’re as equally good as your friends. We’re not communists. We’re not collecting Billy Joel cassette tapes in thinning blue jeans.”
Ruxon, on the message boards not letting it go, “I’ve come up with a brilliant idea. Why, we should have a scavenger hunt. And what would be search for? Kevin’s vagina. Because Kevin is such a giant pussy that we should have had a tiebreaker in the first place.”
Ruxon, escalating the naming conflict, “I’ll show you over the line. The Fear Boners.” (This prompts Kevin to quit the league).
Taco, in Andre’s kitchen, “are these your western healing potions?” Andre, “no, those are spices.”
[Pete, recounts to Andre and Kevin why the Fear Boner name was so hurtful to Kevin that he resigned as commissioner. He explains a night in college when they were confronted by a black man, who at first appeared to be a robber but really was just asking for directions.]
See the clip here: http://vod.fxnetworks.com/watch/theleague
After college Kevin, um, pops, college Pete, “that was amazing, you were like the Hulk, you got scared and you just burst forth.” College Kevin, “I wasn’t scared, I’m going to see a girl and I got an anticiperection.” Kevin/Ruxon, “No, fear boner.”
Modern day Pete, “to this day we do not discuss it. Kevin was so mortified. In one single moment he was cowardly, gay, homophobic and racist. The perfect quadfecta.”
Pete, trying to avoid a crumbling of the league, “our only option is to get Kevin back.” Taco, “can we do it with your healing spices?” Andre, “yes. Get me some paprika, quick!”
Pete, commenting on the race between to Ruxon and Andre to break their tie, “don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining. I enjoy both of your unorthodox running styles. You (Andre) with your shrieking girl and you (Ruxon) with your escaped mental patient.”
Kevin, showing up to enjoy the race, “I am not the commissioner, I am just a civilian now. And an avid fan of public moron racing. I hope the both you tear an ACL. And I hope maybe you (Ruxon) die.” Ruxon, “well, I’ll drop dead a winner.” Andre, “and I’ll win because he’s dead. So high five.”
Kevin, a little concerned that Taco is taking his role as the started a little too seriously, “Taco, is that a real gun?” Taco, “of course it’s a real gun, it’s a real race.”
Taco, persuaded to put the gun away, “Fine. This race is no longer official.”
[Andre wins the race on a controversial interference/incidental contact play at the end that sent Ruxon sprawling.] To review the call, Ruxon spots and steals a videotape from a neighboring gay commitment ceremony that coincidentally filmed the race, “baby bird’s out of the nest.”
Kevin, after Pete’s park “friend,” Ed, invites him over to his house to pick up the Bears tickets, “yes, what is abnormal about the well dressed guy at the gay commitment ceremony doing you a favor and then inviting you to his house?”
Kevin, “you can probably negotiate it down to just a hand job.” Pete, “thank you Mr. attorney.” Taco, “oh, be sure if you do the hand job be sure to wear rubber gloves, that’s what all the Japanese girls do.”
Kevin, “listen, you should look for tell tale signs: there’s jazz music on, there’s a fire in the fire place, he’s wearing a silk robe.” Andre, quietly to himself, “I like jazz.”
Gay ceremony grooms, who ambush Andre and Ruxon in the street, “we watched the other tape and guess what we saw.” Andre/Ruxon (in unison), “they went to the tape.” Guys, “yeah, we went to the tape.” (Andre and Ruxon run)
Ed, to Pete (of course wearing a silk robe, listening to jazz, fake fire on the tv and switching the beer with a French cabernet), “cmon, let’s grab a little couch time.”
Pete, as a stunned Ed looks on, “so here’s the deal, this is all great. I just, I can’t. I want to be able to do this, I thought it was just going to be a hand job, but then I thought even if it was just a hand job I couldn’t do that, even with the glove.” (camera pans to an equally stunned wife and daughter who witnessed the conversation}
Ed, as he wrestles with Pete who tried to make a last ditch stab for the Bears’ tickets, “oh my god, you got an erection.” Pete, “No, fear boner!”
Cop, upon finding Ruxon and Andre hiding in park bushes, “the park is closed after dark, ya’ll is trespassing, and from the looks of it, fornicating.” Ruxon, “We’re not gay, we’re on the run from gays.” Cop, “yeah, well I’m gay and gays like you give other gays a bad name.” Ruxon, “you’re gay?” Andre, “but he’s a cop.” Ruxon, “yeah, but he’s got a moustache.” Cop, “you’re under arrest.”
Kevin, greeting Andre and Ruxon in jail, “hey, Thelma and Loise, I heard you guys made some friends in the park tonight.”
Kevin, “when you were fleeing, who ran faster?” Ruxon, “when we were fleeing it wasn’t a race.” Kevin, “Well, the problem I’m having is I can only bail one of you out.” Andre, “Why?” Kevin, “Well, there can only be one winner, as you taught me. I couldn’t think of a scenario where I could bail both of you out, could you?” Ruxon/Andre, in unison, “It was a tie . . . tie.” Kevin, “well, geez Louise, could you accept that?” Both again, “Yes!” Kevin, “Fine, your commissioner will bail you out.” Ruxon, “You’re commissioner again?” Kevin, “Was I ever not?”
Epilogue song by Taco, with surprisingly good accompaniment from Kevin (will post on You Tube when I find it)
It’s hard to be soft in a frightening world
It’s easy to lose control
You try to hide it, but we all know
Pete, you’ve got a fear boner, itching in your pants
Fear boner, do not be afraid
In due time, it will return to its flaccid state
Ruxon, “ooh ooh, play Pete’s little Tiny erectic!”
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