Welcome to another rendition of “Positively Gruden,” where we chronicle the top praise, plaudits, and pontifications from America’s favorite fawning former coach. As we all expected, the hapless dominant New York Jets put the beat down on Andrew Luck and his high-powered anemic Indianapolis Colts offense. It’s almost as if one of these teams had DirecTV and the other had cable! Coach Gruden, for his part, couldn’t get enough of the Jets defense with all their “big people” running around and wreaking havoc. Ryan FitzHarvardPatrick wasn’t too shabby himself, with his high IQ eclipsed only by his glorious manbeard. Just think how good these guys will be once they get Geno Smith back. Actually, don’t think about that.
As always, top Grudenisms are graded on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.
“Andrew Luck’s hard count….when you least expect it, Andrew Luck ROCKS YOU with a hard count.”
“Guess who, Mike. David Harris. He does it all for the New York Jets.”
On Ryan Fitzpatrick, “I just like the fact that he’s relentless, Mike.”
More Fitzpatrick love, “That’s where that Harvard education comes in handy, Mike. You get a corner hurt, you go right after his replacement.” (I would love to take this class at Harvard)
“What I love about Todd Bowles is he’s done it the hard way…The players respect his blunt, 25 words or less style.”
“When you can beat Nick Mangold, you deserve to be a starter in the National Football League.”
On Buster Skrine, “He goes in there VICIOUSLY. I Love the way Skrine plays. Versatile, every down defender. He looks up to Cromartie and Revis. Those are his two idols.”
On the Jets defense, “This team is LOADED with big people and skilled defenders. They could be the best defense in all of football, Mike.”
Contrast the Colts defense, “Robert Mathis has to be checking into the Colts huddle wondering ‘who are you guys?’”
On Darrelle Revis, “He’s given a lot of leadership to these Jets. He didn’t come back here to do anything but win.” (And make $39 mil. guaranteed).
“Frank Gore will add LIFE to your football team. You wanna get tougher, you wanna get better running the ball, picking up blitzes, get Frank Gore.”
“When you throw the ball under fire against Darrelle Revis, bad things are gonna happen.”
On the Jets talent, “They got a lot of good players. You just stand there in the hotel and see how big these guys are.” (Yep, this is why Gruden gets paid the big bucks)