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We’re at championship weekend already, where the one and two seeds from the AFC and the NFC will battle it out to see who gets to go to Santa Clara and play in Super Bowl 50. From what I understand, this particular Super Bowl has some kind of great importance; it’s probably because 50 is the atomic number of tin, but that’s just a guess on my part. So here we go with some implausible storylines for Sunday’s games that may just come to fruition. New England Patriots at Denver Broncos 3:05 ET (CBS) Peyton Manning and the Broncos are…

Four games, high stakes, great teams — it’s the divisional round, the first of two rounds left before the Super Bowl! I’m pretty sure I’m getting an ulcer from the stress! Huzzah! So what are some things that will maybe sort of happen this weekend? Let’s get into it. Chiefs at Patriots The “Red Hot Chiefs,” who will soon seek to distance themselves from this new, racist nickname, will come into Gillette Stadium and beat the pants off a depleted Patriots team. With Brady’s high ankle sprain and Gronk’s mysterious knee injections, the defending Super Bowl champs are unable to…

It’s playoff time, everybody!! It’s the first weekend where our families ask, “But I thought football was over?” And we say, “Well, yeah, but now it’s the playoffs.” And they say, “But is your team even in the playoffs?” And we say, “WOULD YOU BACK OFF, PLEASE, BARBARA?!” Here are the things I predict will not happen on wild card weekend. Chiefs at Texans 4:35 ET ESPN In a huge upset, the Texans will defeat the Chiefs in the weekend’s first game. The other AFC teams, relieved to be rid of the Chiefs, send Bill O’Brien “So Berry Thankful” fruit…

These are the last games of the 2015 season. That makes me sad. On the other hand, we now get to watch playoff games instead of the Cowboys (Hey, does anybody know how things went with signing terrible person Greg Hardy this season?} So to wrap up the regular-season, here are all the things that are definitely not going to happen in this weekend’s games. Jaguars at Texans Although star pass-rusher JJ Watt has gnawed the cast off of his hand, he and DeAndre Hopkins will not be playing on Sunday because the Texans want to keep their key players…

Chiefs at Ravens The team on a seven-win hot streak versus the team that is the Ravens. Though the Ravens go into the game feeling confident with Clausen, Schaub, and Mallett as their murderer’s row of quarterbacks, they lose to the Chiefs. Mallett ends up getting a ride home from a fan after he is unable to find his car in the team’s parking lot. Oh, Ryan. Texans at Colts An injured Matt Hasselbeck starts for the Colts but has to leave the game during the second quarter after complaining that, ”breathing hurts me.” That means it’s Clipboard Jesus time,…

Lions at Rams The Lions and the Rams meet on Sunday for a hotly contested Stoic Coach-Off. It’s Fisher V Caldwell in an epic battle of blankness. By the 4th quarter the two are neck and neck, having shown no expression after a few disastrous plays on both sides: At one point Case Keenum falls to the ground untouched after the snap and crawls under the nearest defender. He is awarded half a sack on himself. Todd Gurley gets shut down yet again but argues with Fisher that it’s because he “just can’t get enough of that contact. Boy, do…

Bengals at Browns The Browns plan for full bore self-destruction continues Sunday when they lose to the Bengals. Halfway through the game, third-string starting quarterback Austin Davis gets injured, and though the crowd chants for Johnny Manziel, the Browns instead put in new acquisition Terrelle Pryor under center. In a related note, Mike Pettine’s children were grounded four years ago, and no one has seen them since. That man does not joke around Texans at Bills The Texans break their four-game winning streak when they lose to the Bills this weekend. An eternally mic’d up JJ Watt is heard taunting the Bills’ offense with his trademark…

It’s week 11, and I’m already starting to mourn the end of the season. This week is exciting, though, with so many teams still in the playoff hunt (shhhhhh…not you, Dolphins.) So I’ll stop wasting time and look into my murky crystal ball to see all of the things that are not going to happen in this week’s NFL games. Rams at Ravens By all accounts, the Rams should lose this game, because they are playing a team with a losing record. But they don’t! No, a spunky Case Keenum leads the Rams to a win in front of a…

Any football analyst can tell you what’s probably going to happen in this weekend’s games, but it takes a special kind of idiot to predict what definitely won’t happen. I am that idiot, and here are my non-predictions. Jaguars at Ravens The Jags haven’t won on the road since 2013, but that streak finally ends on Sunday when they defeat the Ravens in Baltimore. Although one of their star receivers, Allen Hurns, ends up not playing due to a foot injury, the Jaguars luck out when tight end Julius Thomas’ identical twin brother (you can tell them apart by the…

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