Myles Garrett has been Cleveland’s assumed no. 1 overall pick for weeks. But then all-around talent Mitchell Trubusky who happens to play a position Cleveland desperately needs emerged to potentially supplant him. Or maybe the Browns snag both. A month ago Trubisky was hardly considered the top QB in this draft; that honor went to Deshaun Watson. The point is we really have absolutely idea what will happen when Roger Goodell starts announcing the future come 8PM ET.
So instead of boggling our minds in anticipation, let’s focus on an area with far more certainty and much less variation: mock meats. If teams were drafting plant-based substitutes instead of human beings, the following would be their selections:
1. Cleveland Browns: The Impossible Burger
The Impossible Burger is named as such because it genuinely mimics a real burger, oozing with hemoglobin (the same substance as in blood), sticky in its raw form and smelling like a mutilated animal. A blindfolded person would have no clue it is plant-based. Imagine what the scientists behind this “burger” could do with the Browns, the pink slime of the NFL. Believe in the impossible.
2. San Francisco 49ers: Mock catfish
When he speaks, new 49ers GM John Lynch inspires confidence to the point that three straight seasons of hell seem like a distant memory. There is strategy, honesty and an abundance of brain cells. It’s like Lynch knows what he’s doing, and is perhaps too good to be true. Is he really who we think he is?
3. Chicago: Seitan Chorizo
With help needed at quarterback, safety, offensive tackle, wide receiver, defensive end and outside linebacker, among other positions, the Bears have more holes than a tee shirt thrown into a pit of moths. There is no more versatile fake meat than seitan chorizo. Eat it in all its glory like a Portillo’s hot dog, crumble it on top of a deep dish pizza or my personal favorite, as a glorious layer to nachos.
4. Jacksonville Jaguars: Meatless Meatballs
From Blaine Gabbert to Justin Blackmon to Blake Bortles, the Jags tend to veer toward drafting skill players that look good on paper but don’t pan out. Perhaps it’s time to think a bit more out of the box.
5. Tennessee Titans: Cauliflower steak
Because the Titans have a wealth of draft picks (two in the first round) and have a lot of needs, they can take a chance on this piece of “meat,” delivered straight from Nashville’s Avo Cafe. Notice the glaze, which kinda screams budding shutdown corner.
6. New York Jets: Vegan quarterback
Josh McCown is a nice guy but there is nothing about his skill set that suggests he can lead the Jets to a turnaround, or even a handful of wins. Instead of wasting the pick on one of the flawed rookie quarterbacks, grab a pass rusher or trade down and go take a flier on vegan QB Colin Kaepernick post-draft.
7. Los Angeles Chargers: Morningstar veggie burgers
The Chargers relocated to Los Angeles, something I forgot for a second as I started typing, “San Di…” above. I’m guessing I’m not the only one who doesn’t keep this organization top of mind. They are essentially the equivalent of that low selling frozen burger strategically placed so you have to contort your body to just to pick it up. Well it’s time to move up the veggie burger food chain, LOS ANGELES Chargers. Morningstar burgers are hardly the most popular option in their own section, but at least they’re respectable.
8. Carolina Panthers: Gardenburger
In 1959, Panthers grand poobah Jerry Richardson co-founded the first Hardees fast food chain and would remain a co-owner as the business expanded. Ever the savvy businessman, expansionism is clearly Richardson’s forte. The Hardees nutritional wasteland empire earned Richardson enough coin to buy an NFL franchise, which he has owned since its 1993 inception. Unfortunately, Richardson has been too immersed in giving Cam Newton fashion advice because the present day Hardee’s has evolved into complete failure to its .005% vegetarian clientele. They insultingly offer a “Veg’ It’ option, which you would think is a typical veggie burger but in reality is just a hamburger without a patty. It’s like a quarterback without an offensive line. Let us end the reign of a bun and tomatoes having nothing voluminous to protect it from getting squashed, while innocent bystanders don’t say a damned thing. Where’s the veggie patty?
9. Cincinnati Bengals: Vegan bacon strips
The Bengals clearly need an improved pass rush. Why not harken back to the good ole days of 1976 when defensive lineman Coy Bacon made history with 22 sacks?
10. Buffalo Bills: Vegan buffalo wings
Duh. Part 1. Julie at Baked-in.com produced the tastiest looking prospect in this class.
11. New Orleans Saints: Sea Salt Vegan Toona
Dallas. 2003-2005. Sean Payton was Bill Parcells’s QB coach, an experience that inspred his salty coaching style.
12. Cleveland Browns (from Eagles): Vegan chicken soup
The Browns were decimated by injuries last season, losing RG3 and their two starting guards, along with their top rookie, Corey Coleman, for six games. Cleveland was mentally decimated by the piling of losses. A soothing traditional soothing remedy should come in handy when history repeats itself.
13. Arizona Cardinals: Field Roast vegetarian sausages
It’s been 10 years since Carson Paler starred in this award-winning spot for John Morrell sausages. Given that Palmer has failed to produce a Super Bowl ring in the time since, it’s time he got acquantied with a new kind of sausage.
14. Philadelphia Eagles (from Vikings): Vegan Philly Cheesesteak
15. Indianapolis Colts: Vegan chicken
Chuck Pagano is a nice guy with a heartwarming backstory but as a head coach he’s ben an utter disappointment. Since Jim Irsay didn’t have the guts to send Pagano packing along with Ryan Grigson, the Colts shall get the draft pick they deserve.
16. Baltimore Ravens: Vegan goose
It’s been 16 years since Tony Siragusa last played for the the Ravens. While the defense has mostly thrived since (they were fifth against the run in 2016) they could always use a little a more ‘goose.’
17. Washington ——–: Vegan beef jerky
Until owner Daniel Snyder gets a dose of morality and changes his team’s name he deserves the very worst of mock meats.
18. Tennessee Titans: Vegan jackfruit
With a clear lack of depth to in this draft class, the Titans went with the best available option.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Vegan Chicken Legs
The Bucs took a lot of heat for drafting kicker Roberto Aguayo in the second round of last year’s draft, especially after the rookie’s season was marred by a litany of misses. Well, I say they waited too long. They must rectify the error by drafting a new ‘leg’ even earlier this go around.
20. Denver Broncos: Vegan pot roast
In the 2014 AFC Championship game, then Broncos defensive lineman Terrance “Pot Roast” Knighton sacked Tom Brady on a crucial fourth down to help send Denver to the Super Bowl. The Broncos could always use a little more pot roast, even a plant-based version.
21. Detroit Lions: Tofurky
For most of this millenium’s infancy — 2002-2012 – the Lions were eaten alive on Thanksgiving. But tides have shifted, and now the Lions win on Thanksgiving with regularity (five in a row and counting!). Thus they deserve a little more variety in their Turkey Day locker room celebrations.
22. Miami Dolphins: Vegan franks
Big and meaty with 58% less fat than regular franks makes a perfect addition to most teams, and the Dolphins are no exception. We just implore Adam Game to never reveal why this is presented in can form.
23. New York Giants: Tofu
Eli Manning should have a field day with this malleable protein source. Dress it up to look like a tight end or running back. If all else fails, at least it can pretend to be game worn.
24. Oakland Raiders: Vegetarian haggis
Traditional haggis is a pudding containing a trifecta of sheep parts – the heart, liver and lungs. The vegetarian version contains vegetables, seeds and a bunch of weird stuff that’s hard to pronounce. Seems like just the dish to welcome international man of mystery Marshawn Lynch, back to the NFL.
25. Houston Texans
Eggs (and their mock versions) are in everything. They are to the culinary world what oxygen is to the Earth. In other words, this egg replacer should fit in perfectly with J.J. Watt.
26. Seattle Seahawks: Bacon flavored gumballs
Pete Carroll should have a field day molding these well rounded rookies… in his mouth.
27. Kansas City Chiefs: Vegan ribs
Like Alex Smith, ribs are the game manager of mock meats. Made with reliable seitan they hardly get overwhelmed by any side dish. And because they are doused in sugary barbeque sauce, they typically satisfy the taste buds. But that kind of “checkdown sauce” is rarely going to win you any playoff game—er, cook-offs.
28. Dallas Cowboys: Vegan prawns
While the strategy behind vegan prawns is mildly intriguing, as is the ingredient list, sometimes it’s best not to know what happens behind closed doors.
29. Green Bay Packers: Vegan cheese
According to one anonymous NFC scout, Wisconsinites like their cheese. The Packers have some holes – most notably at running back – so let’s eschew the classic Swiss for a variety option. These cheeses are raw and will take some molding, but hey, at least one prominent member of the Packers suddenly has a lot more time on his hands.
30. Pittsburgh Steelers: Hand meat
If any fan base can handle the grossness of this mock hand, it’s the Steelers.
31: Atlanta Falcons: Seared ‘scallops’ from Tom Brady’s TB12 performance meals
Still reeling from the pain of a Super Bowl that slipped away, no group should buy into Brady’s nutritional side business more than the Falcons. Brady meals are typically pricy but rumor has it that he’s offering a special to anyone residing in Atlanta: A week’s worth of meals, including these mushrooms acting like seafood, for just $28.03
32: New Orleans Saints (From Patriots)
This hearty recipe from One Green Planet is a mock meat bonanza. It features vegan fish sauces, vegan chicken strips, vegan Italian sausage and more. How perfect for a town that always delivers the unexpected and a football team that happens to have a quite a few roster holes on its roster.