Welcome to another rendition of “Positively Gruden,” where we chronicle the top cheers, compliments, and commendations from America’s favorite fawning former coach. Last night’s game was a veritable snoozefest for three and half quarters, before turning into complete chaos culminating in a “walkoff wildcat” touchdown by Le’Veon Bell as the clock struck 0:00. You know what they say in coaching: it’s a great play if it works.
But we shouldn’t let the game’s ending take away from the Grudenisms, because there were some real doozies in last night’s broadcast. From flags on the beach, to stadiums, to skin flutes, to one of the best stories in the history of football.
As always, top Grudenisms are graded on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.
“Heath Miller continues to be one of the best unheralded tight ends in football.”
“You can do anything you want with Le’Veon Bell.”
On substitutions, “There’s more pieces coming and going than in any game we’ve had.”
On Health Miller, “He knocks people down repeatedly. What a pro football player he is. He can do it all.”
“This Stefan Tuitt…..The effort that this big man plays with is uncommon. EVERY DOWN.”
On Philip Rivers, “his pocket fundamentals are amazing.”
On Le’Veon Bell, “this is the most complete virtual back in the game.”
“When we talked to Mike Tomlin last night, he said we’re gonna ring the ‘bell’ tonight.” (I really don’t’ think he said that.)
“DJ Fluker might be the biggest offensive lineman I’ve ever seen.”
“I can see these penalties from the beach, Mike. I mean, this is unbelievable!”
“I love Heyward.”
After an incomplete pass, “Philip Rivers loves that route. He lights up like a Christmas tree when he even talks about it.”
“These Steeler fans are unbelievable. You say they travel better than any fans in the league. But they love San Diego, just like you, Mike.”
“They say San Diego’s gonna move? I hope they stay in this stadium. It’s my favorite stadium of all.”
On Rivers, “I love watching him play quarterback. He’s a coach on the field, isn’t he, Mike?”
After a Vick scramble, “Mike Vick….can KILL yah in these two minute situations when you least expect it. He did it to me, Mike, I still have the scars to prove it.”
On a beach jam session, out of the commercial break, “I like that. I like things a little harder than that, though. A little rock and roll. But it is good, I like that. Is that a flute?”
“Antonio Gates. One of the great stories in football history.”