Positively Gruden, Patriots at Dolphins: Meet Mr. Gunslinger, Jay Cutler

Welcome to another rendition of “Positively Gruden,” where we chronical the top rants, raves, and recognitions from America’s favorite fawning former coach. With the struggling Dolphins set to host the Patriots juggernaut, we at TFG had our popcorn lined up for a long night of Brady-Belichikian love. But the Pats sleepwalked their way to a 27-20 loss while Jay Cutler proved yet again why he’s the league’s most maddening quarterback (but entertaining too).

Without the benefit of the trusty Patriots excellence, the game yielded only 12 Grudenisms, and tepid ones at that. The best Gruden could muster on New England was some tired old pablum about the “Patriot Way” and somehow a statement that included both “Bill Belichick” and “Christmas” in the same sentence. The only memorable Grudenism of the night is our clear #1, and it involved “this Guy” who wasn’t even playing.

As always, top Grudenisms are graded on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.

12. On Patrick Chung playing special teams, “You gotta love that man. He considers that an honor.”

11. “Chung is a chameleon. He can play linebacker in the dime package, he can play strong safety. And if you need him to play cornerback, he can do that.”

10. On Kenyon Drake, “This kid is catching the ball, and running the back, and what I like is he’s carrying himself like a feature back.”

9. More Drake, “How about this move right there? Reminds me of Barry Sanders.”

8. “Offensive Line coach, Dante Scarnecchia. One of the great scheme coaches in football.”

7. “You will not tackle Jarvis Landry in a one-on-one situation near the goal line with a defensive back. This is a powerful receiver who can really run the ROCK.”

6. “Jay Cutler. When he’s feeling it, look out.” (Said the rolling paper to the tobacco)

5. “That looked like the Jay Cutler from Vanderbilt. Gunslinger.”

4. “You can’t coach that…How about that throw and catch? The Patriot Way. Boy, are they good.”

3. “The Patriot Way. They don’t care if they have to take all 60 minutes to get a win.” (That’s usually the way it works.)

2. “Bill Belichick will give you yardage for Christmas.” (And on to New Years)

1. On Guy Fieri, “I tell ya, Guy is the best. You ever see a sandwich like that from a celebrity chef? He made a sandwich called the Gruden Grinder. I love that guy.”