Positively Gruden: Giants vs. Eagles: The Force Takes a Nap

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Welcome to another rendition of “Positively Gruden,” where we chronicle the top cheers, compliments, and commendations from America’s favorite fawning former coach. Last night featured an eagerly-awaited unveiling of the new Star Wars trailer, which Tirico, channeling his inner Gruden, characterized as “a moment you’ll never forget.” Sadly, the game itself was far less memorable. Gruden was primed to gush over the Giants’ revamped offense, but after an impressive first drive, Eli and the gang were literally stuck in mud. The Eagles needed to turn in only a serviceable performance—despite committing four turnovers—to easily take the game. This resulted in an uncharacteristically muted night of commentary from Coach Gruden.

But as Yoda says, give you the Grudenisms, I must. Write or write not, there is no try.

As always, top Grudenisms are graded on a sliding cale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.

On the Giants new offensive scheme, “Moving the launching spot, three step drop, moving the pocket. I like it.”

Eli Manning. If you protect him and get all five receivers involved, he can SHRED you.”

This Josh Brown, I don’t think he’s missed a kick in my recent memory, Mike, but this is probably going to be the longest extra point he’s ever kicked.”

After a Giants completion, “It’s ‘Field of ‘Dreams’ for Beckham against the veteran linebacker, DeMeco Ryans. That’s stealing.”

If Victor Cruz can comeback healthy, the Giants are as formidable as anyone at wide receiver.”

This Jordan Matthews is a workaholic.”

This Steve Spagnuolo, the defensive coordinator, gets a lot of production from Giant players I don’t know much about.”

Be careful with [Darren] Sproles…the man can still roll with the best of them.”

On the Giants defense, “They’re down to using a fullback as a push rusher.”

You wanna see some surge, Mike? [Jason] Peters at Left Tackle. They come STORMING off that left side.”

This Eagles offense is stepping on the gas pedal now, and the Giants are on fumes.”

Making up his own acronyms, “Nolan Carroll, he’s one of those PR guys, personal record players. Everywhere he goes, he breaks a personal record for weight room, short shuttle, effort, grading out on film. Underpaid, highly productive right corner of the Philadelphia Eagles.”

You know some of these young players aren’t good listeners….Hicks is a great listener.”

On Jeffrey Lurie, “I like an owner that backs his coach.”

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The Wise Guy

Dave Emanuelson, also known as "The Wise Guy," is our media columnist with a specialty in all things Jon Gruden. Dave bears no resemblance to the Three Stooges or a mobster, but a Wise Guy he is all the same. He boasts an impressive pedigree as a big-time D.C. lawyer, economics know-it-all, former Division 1 athlete (golf, but still...), and an 82% percent success rate of predicting whether instant replays will be overturned.

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