Positively Gruden, Browns vs. Giants: Everything in Cleveland is ‘Unprecedented’
Welcome to a special preseason edition of “Positively Gruden,” where we chronicle the top praise, plaudits, and pontifications from America’s favorite fawning former coach. After several months of Gruden dodging coaching rumors, we can take comfort that his positivity is back in our lives for at least another season. And it looks like America’s Favorite Coach, as ESPN has billed him, has returned with a few new catchphrases like “unprecedented” and “LOMM.” (More on that one below.)
Of course, there are still the old standards like heaping praise on pass rushing beasts, Jason (Lannister) Pierre-Paul and Oliver Vernon. Now, if we don’t only do something about his play-by-play partner, Sean McDonough to raise his monotone game, we might have something.
As always, top Grudenisms are graded on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.
“This Steve Spagnuolo, he probably calls more safety blitzes than any man in the league.”
“The Cleveland Browns started more drives within their own 20 than any team I’ve ever seen.” (Even the criticisms have superlatives)
On Browns defensive coordinator Gregg Williams, “he’s an aggressive coach, he has an aggressive scheme, and he’s got a lot of aggressive players.”
“Eli Manning likes [Ereck] Flowers. He’s just 23 years old. He cares. He’s competitive, and he’s tough. And he’s really worked hard this offseason.”
On Browns safety Jabrill Peppers, “haven’t seen a player like this come out of Michigan since Charles Woodson.”
On Giants defensive ends Olivier Vernon and Jason Pierre-Paul, “we can argue all we want like we have this weekend, if there’s a better duo of pass rushers in football, show me.”
More Vernon love, “94% of the snaps he played with a broken hand. Nobody plays 94% of the plays at that position.”
After a JPP sack, “Watch the GET OFF of Jason Pierre-Paul. Goodnight.”
On Giants linebacker B.J. Goodson, “it takes a lot guts to stand in front of Olivier Vernon and Jason Pierre-Paul and get ’em lined up down after down.”
POSITIVELY GRUDEN: 2017 QB CAMP EDITION
“[David] Njoku can fly. He’s a 7’1″ high jumper is you can believe that. . . . Incredible athletic ability. I’ve never seen a TE that can high jump 7’1.”
“The Browns drafted four wide receivers in a draft last year. That’s unprecedented.”
On the Brock Osweiler trade, “Unprecedented. Never seen anything quite like that.” (In fairness, we’ve never seen anything quite like Brock Osweiler.)
On Browns rookie quarterback Deshone Kizer, “Use LOMM. You like that McDonough? Large, open, moving mouth. They gotta UNDERSTAND you. And have a little voice inflection and some pizzazz in there. Gonna take a little time because Hue Jackson has a billion plays.” (Sounds like a lot)
