Welcome to another rendition of ‘Positively Gruden,’ where we chronicle the top praise, plaudits, and pontifications from America’s favorite fawning former coach. This week featured the long-awaited Berger Bowl: Roethlis versus Metten. And it was a nice selection to choose from. If you like your ‘bergers’ meaty, tough, and a little overcooked, you have to choose the half-pounder from Pittsburgh. On the other hand, of you prefer your bergers a little raw but also a little young and juicy (so veal, I guess), go with Zach in Nashville.
But let’s not spoil this column with wordplay. There was also a game to be played last night, a seesaw affair that was ultimately decided by another type of beef–Le’Veon Bell and the Steelers’ dominant offensive line–who turned in three straight drives to seal the game. That left the Titans standing with the worst berger of all, a cold one.
As always, top Grudenisms are graded on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.
On Health Miller, “He’s so friendly to the quarterback….Miller knows how to play tight end.”
“Those two are like clockwork. Nobody doing it better at quarterback and receiver than Ben Roethlisberger and Antonio Brown.”
After (another) LeVeon Bell run, “This is old school Pittsburgh Steeler football….they’re mauling them, Mike.”
“Antonio Brown can run any route you can think of from any formation. He can beat any defender, and as he just proved, he can beat any coverage.”
“Love that name, Carl Klug.” (So does Carl Klug’s Mom)
“I’m like you, Mike, I like this Sankey.” (Sankey very much.)
“I don’t even recognize the secondary of the Titans, Mike. They use every man in the secondary room every week.”
“Griffin and Bell at REAL SPEED. You want to be a pro football player, listen to THIS.” (That’s exactly what Marvin Berry said.)
Doting on Mike Tirico, “I like listening to you make that ‘bu bump’ sound.”
On the Steelers offensive variety, “there are A LOT of type of runs. That’s why Roethlisberger has a wristband that goes all the way up his forearm.”
“This is the Berger Bowl. Look at Roethlisberger. He’s got playmaking skills, he’s got body type, he’s got a lot of experience on his ‘berger’, precision, supporting cast. And Mettenberger, he’s got arm talent on his ‘berger’. He has to get more FIXINS on there!”