Welcome to another rendition of “Positively Gruden,” where we chronicle that top cheers, compliments, and commendations from America’s favorite fawning former coach. This week featured another primetime blowout that is sure to spark concerns among NFL execs as to whether its ratings, and the revenues they bring, are sustainable. Just kidding! Nothing can stop the America’s obsession with NFL football—not domestic violence, not child abuse, not concussion lawsuits, and certainly not a couple of lousy primetime games…especially when you have people like Jon Gruden making smoothies (!) on air in garbage time. Ok, it’s really all about gambling and fantasy, but still, those smoothies looked delicious!
As always, top Grudenisms are graded on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.
“I don’t do anything like Chip Kelly. That’s why he’s down there and I’m up here.”
On coaching against Carolina’s RBs: “ I have a hard time breathing when I see Jonathan Stewart and DeAngelo Williams in the same building. I think I contributed to these backs’ financial status. They got big contracts after dealing with me.”
“You see #81 Jordan Matthews? They tell me he’s related to Jerry Rice.” (He actually is)
After a Mark Sanchez TD pass, “this is like Escape From New York, Mike.”
On Jason Peters, “this is a HIGHLIGHT REEL at Left Tackle.”
“Now that’s the job I want, Mike, dummy signaler for the Eagles. If they had me on the dummy signal, there’s no telling what I’d come up with.”
On coaching, “the big thing you gotta do with a quarterback, you gotta stimulate him.”
On Trent Cole, “he’s not doing a good job, he’s doing a REALLY good job.”
On Luke Kuechly, “knowledge for the game, passion for the game, and just an intelligent good guy. The kind of kid you want your own son to grow up and be like. A leader, he’s relentless, proud to know him.”
Bonus smoothie-making edition
“Chucky’s Protein Powder. Chip Kelly gave me this, so I can make my own shake. Here, try this…I might have put in too much Chucky’s Protein Powder.”
On the Chip Kelly recovery system, “the problem is my wife would divorce me, she says, ‘you’re gonna get 10 hours sleep, a home-cooked meal and a steam?’”
Responding to Tweets (seriously), “Spider 2 Y Banana Shake? That’s a great idea.”