Welcome to another rendition of ‘Positively Gruden,’ where we chronicle the top praise, plaudits, and pontifications from America’s favorite fawning former coach. After several weeks of great games (and Grudenisms), we were due for a reset. And who better to provide it than the New York Giants and their anemic offense? The game was awful from the beginning, and Gruden’s commentary reflected that. The only saving grace was Andrew Luck, whose intelligence, athleticism, and PASSION inspires Lord Byron-level romanticism Gruden. I tell ya, Mike, Jon Gruden really loves Andrew Luck.
As always, top Grudenisms are graded on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery and outright absurdity.
On Andrew Luck, “he has the ability to dominate a game with his decision making, his athleticism, his toughness, and his passion for the game.”
“Vontae Davis, he might be the grinder, tonight.”
More Davis, “he looks like Bumgarner of the Giants baseball team. He’s throwing a no-hitter tonight…I watch my baseball.”
“Hard to tell what’s going on in this league. How about the Colts? They gave up 650 yds last week; they look like the ’75 Steelers tonight.”
On Odell Beckham Jr., “I like it….this man is EXTREMELY FAST. He brings a quality that the Giants have never had, SPEED.”
The Eli Manning apologist, “Not only is he learning a new offense, he’s gotta learn a lot of new teammates names….He’s also gotta learn a lot of new fundamentals. That’s like teaching Tiger Woods how to hold a club or teaching Lebron James how to shoot.” (Yeah, just like that.)
The statistical guru, “I don’t know how many attempts Luck has, but I guarantee you he’s on pace to overtake Matt Stafford for the NFL record in attempts.”
“I just saw Andrew Jackson check in. I haven’t seen him play since the National Bank disbanded.” (OK, Gruden didn’t say that last part.)
On the Colts kicker, “he kicked me out of Oakland…I never liked Adam Vinatieri for a long time. He’s something else.”
After a facemask penalty, “I don’t know about 15 yards. Can’t we give them a break of some kind?”
And for the finale, a rapid-fire Luck lovefest.
“Andrew Luck, a human SHREDDER.”
“This Andrew Luck…he’s an architectural man, Mike. He’s interested in STADIUMS. He told the components that comprised concrete.”
“Andrew Luck only comes along every five or ten or twenty years. Or a lifetime.”
After a Luck-Wayne TD, “that’s one of the all-time great plays you’ll ever see Andrew Luck or any quarterback make, EVER.”