NFL Shenanigans: Non-Prediction Predictions for Super Bowl 50
It’s the final non-prediction prediction of the season — Super Bowl time. Super Bowl 50 has a lot of great storylines, but how many are absurd and impossible? Not many. But I came up with 10 anyway.
If the Panthers win:
– This Panthers/Broncos Super Bowl turns into the best party the world has ever seen when the Panthers go up 21-0 in the first two minutes. For the last 58, they dance.
– Cam Newton’s uniform remains unblemished throughout the game, although he does end up with a small tuft of dirt stuck in one of his cleats after he lightly stumbles going into the end zone. Cam then uses that dirt clump to embellish the diamond-encrusted fez he wears to the post-game press conference. (Everyone will be doing it in a week — trust me.)
– After becoming the first quarterback ever to win a college national championship, a Heisman, and a Super Bowl, Cam gets to to work on winning the EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony) by starring as Rum Tum Tugger in a revival of the musical, Cats this summer.
– When a movie is made about this Super Bowl, it will be called “Superman: The Other One.” Cam Newton will star as himself (Oscar try), the confident and gifted quarterback who everyone believed in. It’s the story of how the first pick in the NFL draft went on to win a Super Bowl. Though critics will complain that it is, “a cinematic Cam Newton jerk-off with zero drama or intrigue,” they will all agree that Danny Trejo’s portrayal of coach Ron Rivera is masterful.
– During this summer’s training camp, someone in the Panthers’ organization will pull a Nancy Kerrigan on Kelvin Benjamin in an attempt to recreate the conditions of this year’s record-setting season. As Benjamin writhes on the ground yelling, “Why? Why?” Charlie Dayton, the Panthers’ Head of Historical and Alumni Affairs, quietly hops on a plane bound for Puerto Vallarta.
If the Broncos win:
– After this Broncos win, Peyton Manning shocks the world by choosing not to retire. John Elway is seen behind him mouthing something that looks like, “Moe’s a free car.” Unfortunately, this turns out badly for Peyton as he becomes the backup quarterback on the Texans, riding the bench behind their new, exciting QB, Johnny Manziel.
– Deciding to finish his career with a second Super Bowl ring, Peyton Manning announces that he is retiring and will become the Broncos’ new quarterback coach. A thrilled Brock Osweiler grins until his jaw cracks in two.
– When a movie is made about this Super Bowl, it will be a Western called, “The Sheriff,” that celebrates the triumph of the human spirit. Edward Norton will star as Manning and bring theaters to tears when, at the end, he climbs onto his arthritic donkey, says, “Well, I guess I’d best be movin’ on, now,” and rides off into the sunset. Slowly. It will win Best Picture.
– At the post-game press conference, Gary Kubiak thanks the team’s white jerseys for their critical role in securing this Super Bowl win. White Jerseys release a statement later, saying, “Orange Jerseys worked really hard in the past four Super Bowls, but we knew if they just gave us a chance in the big game, we could do it. Please wash us.”