Jeff Hart: Monday Linkfest for May 1, 2012

By: Jeff Hart | Posted: May 01, 2012

Bored with writers ranking this year’s draft classes with uninspired letter grades? Me too! I’ve got just the thing; each team’s draft class graded with a movie, even if the connection is sometimes as flimsy as Trent Richardson and Matthew McConaughey sharing T-Rex arms.  

Interested in some facts about this weekend’s endless draft? Cold Hard Football Facts has all the draft stats you could possibly need (except the most important: hours of your life lost).  

An era of uncertainty ended in Washington over the weekend as the Redskins drafted Kirk Cousins to replace outgoing QB Robert Griffin III. Good move, Snyder.

 Steelers first round pick David DeCastro thought the man he’ll soon be blocking for was a Steelers secretary when Ben Roethlisberger called to congratulate him. DeCastro was able to figure out Big Ben’s identity pretty quickly as secretaries don’t usually breathe heavily into the phone and/or call from the back of a moving motorcycle.

In other Big Ben news, the QB described Todd Haley’s new playbook as a “Rosetta Stone book,” which I assume means he thought it was hard to understand and not that it was the key to understanding hieroglyphics.  But who knows, Roethlisberger’s mind is a complicated place where misused metaphors run wild alongside disturbing urges and hat choices. Here’s an artist rendering of Big Ben trapped within the existential mental prison of Haley’s complex new offense.

Checking in with perverts of seasons past, the appropriately named Justice Milton Tingling refused to dismiss the sexual harassment lawsuit against Brett Favre and the Jets. Rumor has it that Tingling will soon be recusing himself so that the newly-minted Judge Warren Sapp can preside. Take heart, readers: if you ever go bankrupt and are pretty much fired in the same week, you’re only steps away from being the star of a syndicated courtroom game show. 

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