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Home » News and Features » After Further Review » Valentine's Day Special: The NFL's Worst Couples

Valentine's Day Special: The NFL's Worst Couples

By: The Football Girl | Posted: February 14, 2013

 

I hate Valentine’s Day. Actually, not true at all. I just hate this year’s version. You see, two of my great loves in life –my husband and the city of San Francisco – are spooning and feeding each other chocolate covered strawberries today without me. (Here’s there on a business trip and I couldn’t join.) 

Still, I had planned a pretty spectacular early Valentine’s Day sendoff on Tuesday night, inspired by my husband’s equal love of “The Bachelor” (I know) and Derrick Rose. Here was the plan:  Sit him down, deliver a gooey, over the top speech about our love, all with a single long-stemmed rose barely in his line of sight. When I felt on the brink of laughter, I’d grab it and ask the all-important question: would he accept my rose. After he presumably said yes, it was bonus question time. “Um honey, would you also accept THIS Rose?” The envelope I was to hand him would have contained tickets to the April 2nd Bulls/Wizards game in D.C. I had purchased two days prior, at that point fairly confident that Rose would return well before then. But just hours after purchase everything changed as Rose came out with his sad-as-all-hell “I may play soon, or I may play in ten years. Don’t hold your breath, people” or soemthing like that quote. I’m not even a Bulls fan and Rose's statement made ME tear up, therefore instantly ending the whole Rose theme of our premature Valentine’s. I had no Valentine's lather left in the tank. 

"I'm sorry, I just can't give you this rose tonight."


I gave up on Valentine’s this year – and since I know many of you think it’s a silly holiday with inflated menu prices and a side of inaccurate relationship security – I have pivoted my previously planned “Best NFL Couples” to one more appropriate for my mood today: “Worst NFL Couples.” The focus is on the 2012-2013 season, so let me know if I missed any of your favorite squabblers from the season past.  Oh, and if you’re feeling lovey and all that jazz today, be sure to check out happy Kim O’Hara’s rollout of the Best NFL CouplesIn the end, happy people count, too.

 

LeSean McCoy and his Baby Mama 

McCoy no longer has a Twitter account after an ugly public spat with the mother of his child, a woman whose name McCoy claims not to have known the night he knocked her up. During the dispute, McCoy urged his then followers to, “Tell @Angelface0330 (Steph’s Twitter handle) to get a job n stop begging for child support money she a BUM needs me to LIVE sad!!!” Deadspin has the entire exchange.  Such a promising childhood for Baby McCoy.

 

Brandon Jacobs and the 49ers

Jacobs’s tweet from November sums it up: "Never work in a place where you hate your boss so much, you should be happy at work #YouLiveAndYouLearn" Despite Jacobs’s proclamation that he and Harbaugh were ok after the fact, the frustrated running back had this to say about his future in an exclusive interview with us last month: “I am going to research and ask more questions I’m not going to go somewhere because some guy sat in a chair across the table from me and said I was going to get 8-12 carries.  So I’m going to do more research and figure out more about them and what they do and what they like and so-on versus listen to a guy in a chair with a tie that thinks he matters.” We can only assume Jacobs is referring to 49ers general manager Trent Baalke.

 

Devin Hester and Jay Cutler 

Hester threatened retirement after Lovie Smith was let go. The loss of Smith was problematic for Hester, who considered the coach a father figure, but the real issue is and always has been between Hester and Jay Cutler. After Cutler’s very first game as a Bear in 2009, a meaningless preseason game, mind you, the quarterback blamed Hester for an interception, insinuating that Hester’s lack of multi-dimensional skills caused the pick. Is Hester then responsible for all 63 interceptions Cutler has thrown in his four years as a Bear?


Cutler unhappy. The usual.


Jerry Jones and Jerry Jones’ Eyeglass Cleaner 

In actuality, the eyeglass cleaner is Jones’ son-in-law, Shy Anderson. But still, what an emasculating role to be given in the family tree. Also, touching other people’s glasses is pretty gross, if you ask me. Quick, pop quiz time: Jerry Jones’ tears are made of _____.

 

Rick Reilly and Women

In November, the dinosaur provided this insightful tweet: “‘Who are you starting at tight end in fantasy this week?’ Signed, no wife ever.” Given his age, whiteness and general propensity to be out of touch, it is not surprising that Reilly is fully oblivious to the 5.8 million women who play fantasy football, presumably some of them with wedding bands.

Fast forward to Super Bowl week where Mr. Reilly used his column to suggest that Colin Kaepernick should want to meet his birth mother since Reilly’s own adopted daughter traveled to Korea to meet hers. Because all adoptive-birth mother situations are interchangeable. Ugh.

 

Anna Burns Welker and Ray Lewis

The Patriots wives sure know how to take a playoff loss. After the Patriots were beaten by the Ravens 28-13 in the AFC Championship, Mrs. Welker played better offense than her husband with this Facebook post:

“Proud of my husband and the Pats. By the way, if anyone is bored, please go to Ray Lewis' Wikipedia page. 6 kids 4 wives. Acquitted for murder. Paid a family off. Yay. What a hall of fame player! A true role model!”

Seems like a rational reaction to me. 


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Joel Ciszewski
Posts: 25
Comment
Worst V-Day couples.
Reply #3 on : Fri February 15, 2013, 08:24:24
Hi Melissa,
This belongs in the college version, but nevertheless I nominate A.J. McCarron and Barret Jones of Alabama.
Also, you know, I like reading Reilly's SI column, but now on
ESPN I find him to be insuffinsufferable.
Sincerely,
Joel
Melissa
Posts: 1
Comment
Thanks Nhat!
Reply #2 on : Thu February 14, 2013, 20:08:26
Wow, terrible error on my part. 5.8 MILLION women play fantasy, although Reilly probably does believe it's only 5.8. Thanks for the correction!
Nhat
Posts: 25
Comment
Rick Reilly
Reply #1 on : Thu February 14, 2013, 19:53:43
I dislike Reilly as much as the next guy so I wholeheartedly agree with his appearance in this post. However, is there a word missing or is that sarcasm b/c I'm pretty sure there's more than 5.8 women playing fantasy football? :)