Twas the Night Before Christmas: A Miss List for Santa Goodell

By: The Football Girl | Posted: September 09, 2012

I am Jewish. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know what Christmas Eve feels like. It’s like right now. 12:30 A.M. on Saturday night/Sunday morning. Unable to consider sleep even though I’m on baby duty in approximately six hours, which is perfectly fine considering I’m subjecting my little guy to eight hours of a babysitter tomorrow. (Hey, if little Cyrus wants to learn the proper reply to “Who’s Got It better Than Us?” and can explain the quarterback rating formula, a seat next to me on the couch is all his. But he’s 18-months so let’s list him as doubtful.)

I digress. As stated I’m not a celebrator of Christmas. However, my exposure to it goes like this.  You see a beautifully decorated tree with professionally wrapped presents underneath. Often times you know what’s in those boxes. (Who doesn’t know the presents hiding nooks and crannies of one’s one home, after all?)

But the problem is there’s too much of a sense of yesteryear when it comes to presents.  As luscious as their modern exteriors may appear, nothing inside will top that first train set or Barbie you requested and received from Santa. You may intensely tear that fancy wrapping and uncover a gift that has something involving a USB cord or HD, but it’s just not the same.

There is similar feeling in the NFL, a sense of nostalgia that runs deep. Even though players are stronger and faster, stadiums are equipped with WiFi and the plastic surgery available to rich owners has no limits, it’s hard not to long for some simplicity, some comfort. Change is difficult when it comes to the NFL.

Early this week I wrote my Wish List for the season. Now, because I’m unable to sleep, here’s my "Miss List" for the season.

 Dear Santa Goodell,

Please bring back the following…

1)          Rex Grossman as a starting quarterback

2)          4:15 ET start times

3)          Frank Caliendo

4)          Mike Martz’s brilliant offensive coordination

5)          Five-yard incidental facemask penalties

6)          Being socially acceptable to play in only one fantasy league

\

If Drew Brees can be a starting quarterback, how can this guy not be?

7)          Rex Ryan as a fat man

8)          More emphasis on the Raiders’ Black Hole

9)          Rookies having to play a down before becoming mega-endorsers

10)        Kickoffs from the 30-yard line

11)        Watching games without feeling the need to Tweet about them

12)        Interesting teams desiring that  “Hard Knocks” spot

13)        Full-time running backs

14)        Mike Shanahan’s retirement (See #13 and #1)

15)        John Madden

16)        Tickets a family of four can afford, not in the upper deck

17)        Paul Tagliabue

P.S.: I do realize that for some people Christmas is more about family and celebrating a certain Jewish man’s birth than presents. I just don’t know any of them.

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