What Should Happen When You Beat Your Husband in Fantasy Football?

By: The Football Girl | Posted: October 18, 2012

It all goes down starting tonight. My “Bone Daddy’s House of Smoke” takes on my husband’s “RGIIIPO” in fantasy football.  This is not a friendly competition, folks. Anyone who competes against their husband knows that the inner-marriage battle is often more intense than the Super Bowl.

Here’s our history: I started a league in 2005, the year we started dating. We partnered up and it was glorious. We agreed on virtually every lineup decision, and when we didn’t we, get this, compromised. Honestly, our fantasy partnership it probably extended our “ga-ga” period by at least six months, and gave us a preview of our relationship working from both a co-habitation  and communication standpoint. Also, it helped that we won almost every year through 2009.

Then I started winning alone. This was not due to divorce or even a major fight. My husband simply broke up with me because I got all the credit for our success and he couldn’t stand it. After all, I started writing about the NFL and fantasy professionally, and he was, just another lawyer. (By the way, do all lawyers think they can one-up the refs like he does?)

He felt emasculated and wanted to prove his fantasy worth on his own. Up until this season it hadn’t worked out so well for the porr guy, as he was forced to cheer me on in the playoffs while drowning his sorrows in Ben and Jerry’s.  But now RGIIIPO is 6-0 and dominating our league. I am on the cusp of losing my place as the fantasy breadwinner in our house because even while doing this professionally, the slivers of respect are not as easy to sustain as you’d think.

So let’s fast forward to Monday and assume Bone Daddy takes down undefeated RGIIIPO this week, there is an important matter to be decided that goes well beyond the win. What is our side bet?

Here are some of my ideas, and I really want to hear yours as well. Just keep them clean. (We don’t need assistance in that department!)

-      Carnivore husband has to eat vegan for one week. Healthy, vegetarian wife has to eat fast food for one week.

-      Bears fan husband has to dress up as Jim Harbaugh (tucked in pullover and all) for one night. 49ers fan me has to throw on a Cutler jersey and scowl for a night. Both in public.

-      He can’t make snide comments during the next episode of Grey’s Anatomy. I have to make at least five snide comments during Grey’s fnext episode.

-      He hits up the Whole Foods during rush hour, solo.  I have to endure 18 holes of golf. Neither of us can complain.

-      Lululemon hoodie for me. Johnny Walker Blue for him. Same price!

-      I win, I get to swap fantasy names with husband since his is objectively better. He wins I admit his name is objectively better. (oops.)

Here's our league in case you are really bored and want to follow along.

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Ben
Posts: 4

So Close
Reply #5 on : Mon October 22, 2012, 16:21:40

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Wow, your match-up with your husband is a lot closer than I thought it would be. When AJ Green caught that touchdown last night, I thought the Bone Daddies were toast. But you are actually AHEAD by 9 points going into MNF. I still don't understand how this is possible given that Vernon Davis, Dez Bryant, James Jones, and Anquan Boldin all completely pooped out on you. I guess it pays to have Aaron Rodgers at quarterback.

So now, if Matt Forte can just keep his cleats out of the endzone tonight, you have a great chance to win this thing! And Forte likes the endzone about as much as a cat likes water. If I was a betting man, I would be putting my money on the Bone Daddies tonight. Good luck!

Bob
Posts: 4

Re: What Should Happen When You Beat Your Husband in Fantasy Football?
Reply #4 on : Thu October 18, 2012, 16:20:28

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I'm going with the wearing of Jay Cutler Jersey, and adding a giant L on your forehead

Melissa
Posts: 1

To Ben
Reply #3 on : Thu October 18, 2012, 13:35:36

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You are sucking the joy out of my fantasy weekend...even if you're right. :)

Ben
Posts: 4

All Bets Off
Reply #2 on : Thu October 18, 2012, 12:17:04

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Oh Melissa . . . here's the thing -- usually the person who talks about wagering things is the person who expects to WIN. I hate to break it to you, but take a hard look at your team. Do you even have a CHANCE of beating him? *Shakes head slowly* Then for crying out loud, don't wager anything! It will only add insult to anguish.

You don't have a BAD team, but this is definitely not your week. Marshawn Lynch at San Francisco? Rodgers and Jones at St. Louis? (There's a reason no one passes against St. Louis -- they're ahead the whole game.) Anquan Boldin -- cough, cough -- at Houston? Starting a New Orleans running back? (Gag.) Even Vernon Davis has a less-than-ideal matchup against the Seahawks. So unless the San Francisco defense and Gotskowski go utterly bezerk, I can't see where the points are going to come from.

On the other hand, your husband couldn't get any more plum matchups if he tried. RGIII against the Giants secondary in a game in which he will be throwing & running (& scoring) A LOT . . . ouch. (As Kim pointed out last night, the Giants DO have a huge gaping hole located just behind their linebackers.) Then your husband gets Trent Richardson against the Indianapolis Colts. (Anyone remember what Shonn Greene did last week?) A healthy Matt Forte at home on Monday night, against the defensively-challenged Lions. A.J. Green, who continues to get force-fed TDs on a weekly basis. Vincent Jackson against New Orleans. Jimmy Graham against Tampa Bay. Your husband is driving a fantasy football Rolls Royce this week and you're riding a scooter.

Cut your losses now and start thinking of plausible excuses!

J.B.
Posts: 4

Fantasy Football Wager with Husband
Reply #1 on : Thu October 18, 2012, 10:53:47

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MJ wins, husband must watch, in its entirety, the 1/7/1995 playoff game between SF & CHI (Niners won 49-15). If your husband wins, you must watch, in its entirety, the 10/29/2006 game between CHI & SF (Bears won 41-10). I'd make MJ watch a playoff game between the two but SF is 3-0 against the Bears in the playoffs & beat the tar out of them every time.