Browsing: After Further Review

These are the last games of the 2015 season. That makes me sad. On the other hand, we now get to watch playoff games instead of the Cowboys (Hey, does anybody know how things went with signing terrible person Greg Hardy this season?} So to wrap up the regular-season, here are all the things that are definitely not going to happen in this weekend’s games. Jaguars at Texans Although star pass-rusher JJ Watt has gnawed the cast off of his hand, he and DeAndre Hopkins will not be playing on Sunday because the Texans want to keep their key players…

Chiefs at Ravens The team on a seven-win hot streak versus the team that is the Ravens. Though the Ravens go into the game feeling confident with Clausen, Schaub, and Mallett as their murderer’s row of quarterbacks, they lose to the Chiefs. Mallett ends up getting a ride home from a fan after he is unable to find his car in the team’s parking lot. Oh, Ryan. Texans at Colts An injured Matt Hasselbeck starts for the Colts but has to leave the game during the second quarter after complaining that, ”breathing hurts me.” That means it’s Clipboard Jesus time,…

Lions at Rams The Lions and the Rams meet on Sunday for a hotly contested Stoic Coach-Off. It’s Fisher V Caldwell in an epic battle of blankness. By the 4th quarter the two are neck and neck, having shown no expression after a few disastrous plays on both sides: At one point Case Keenum falls to the ground untouched after the snap and crawls under the nearest defender. He is awarded half a sack on himself. Todd Gurley gets shut down yet again but argues with Fisher that it’s because he “just can’t get enough of that contact. Boy, do…

Bengals at Browns The Browns plan for full bore self-destruction continues Sunday when they lose to the Bengals. Halfway through the game, third-string starting quarterback Austin Davis gets injured, and though the crowd chants for Johnny Manziel, the Browns instead put in new acquisition Terrelle Pryor under center. In a related note, Mike Pettine’s children were grounded four years ago, and no one has seen them since. That man does not joke around Texans at Bills The Texans break their four-game winning streak when they lose to the Bills this weekend. An eternally mic’d up JJ Watt is heard taunting the Bills’ offense with his trademark…

It’s week 11, and I’m already starting to mourn the end of the season. This week is exciting, though, with so many teams still in the playoff hunt (shhhhhh…not you, Dolphins.) So I’ll stop wasting time and look into my murky crystal ball to see all of the things that are not going to happen in this week’s NFL games. Rams at Ravens By all accounts, the Rams should lose this game, because they are playing a team with a losing record. But they don’t! No, a spunky Case Keenum leads the Rams to a win in front of a…

Any football analyst can tell you what’s probably going to happen in this weekend’s games, but it takes a special kind of idiot to predict what definitely won’t happen. I am that idiot, and here are my non-predictions. Jaguars at Ravens The Jags haven’t won on the road since 2013, but that streak finally ends on Sunday when they defeat the Ravens in Baltimore. Although one of their star receivers, Allen Hurns, ends up not playing due to a foot injury, the Jaguars luck out when tight end Julius Thomas’ identical twin brother (you can tell them apart by the…

Welcome to another rendition of “Positively Gruden,” where we chronicle the top praise, plaudits, and pontifications from America’s favorite fawning former coach.  Last night’s game was a three and a half quarter snoozefest, with Andrew Luck looking like a beleaguered Civil War general with no ammunition for his musket and a bad case of gout.  But like the South, Andrew Luck always rises again, and delivered a stirring 17-point comeback to send the game into overtime.  But that just led to one final Luck interception, which set the table for Graham Gano, aka Mr. Clutch, to seal a Panthers victory…

Welcome to another rendition of “Positively Gruden,” where we chronicle the top cheers, compliments, and commendations from America’s favorite fawning former coach. Last night featured an eagerly-awaited unveiling of the new Star Wars trailer, which Tirico, channeling his inner Gruden, characterized as “a moment you’ll never forget.” Sadly, the game itself was far less memorable. Gruden was primed to gush over the Giants’ revamped offense, but after an impressive first drive, Eli and the gang were literally stuck in mud. The Eagles needed to turn in only a serviceable performance—despite committing four turnovers—to easily take the game. This resulted in…

Welcome to another rendition of “Positively Gruden,” where we chronicle the top cheers, compliments, and commendations from America’s favorite fawning former coach.  Last night’s game was a veritable snoozefest for three and half quarters, before turning into complete chaos culminating in a “walkoff wildcat” touchdown by Le’Veon Bell as the clock struck 0:00.  You know what they say in coaching: it’s a great play if it works. But we shouldn’t let the game’s ending take away from the Grudenisms, because there were some real doozies in last night’s broadcast.  From flags on the beach, to stadiums, to skin flutes, to…

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